Every Day

Hi

2011-07-29T18:59:00.001-07:00

I'm still alive, I just started using tumblr instead. I should probably delete this account, but it's cool that someone was asking after me. Bye!

2011-02-17T18:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, it's been a while so just a quick update:

1. Turned 19. Woo!
2. Denied admission to Kenyon College. Boo.
3. Accepted at Franklin Pierce University, with a Presidential Honors scholarship and a place in their Honors Program. Huzzah!

There are many other fabulous facets of life right now, but I'm just having a good good day today. :)

Things like that drive me out of my mind

2011-01-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

i've been having a great few weeks! It has been snowing so much here, I'm not sure I remember the last time New York had this much snow for so long. It makes things pretty slippy underfoot, so walking around outside is always an adventure now.

I'm excited because tomorrow I'm getting a bunch of packages in the mail, like a real winter coat (which I neglected to buy myself until now, of course), and a big container of jojoba oil and my brand new yoga mat. I've been exercising a lot more and eating waaaaay better than I have been. I can already feel a difference--I constantly feel like my body is crackling with energy. The best way to put it is that I feel like a rubberband that's being pulled taut, but in good way? That's pretty accurate.

I've also been getting lost in my own thoughts a lot lately. I've been perfectly content to stare out of the window at the clouds and just dream the days away. Tonight, I've been watching the snow swirl around a street lamp that I can see from my bed. The lamp has icicles hanging off of it. It looks so calm outside, everything is quiet here for once (apart from the occasional plow that comes along).

...I actually did just drift off for about an hour. Just watching the different ways the snow floats around in the light from the street lamp. All the pondering and daydreaming I just did has made me very tired, so I'm going to get some shut eye for a few hours before I wake up and continue being awesome. Adios.

I think I'm just happy

2011-01-05T09:40:00.000-08:00

That is true. In the last week, I've been nothing but happy and content. I'm doing my very best to stay in this state of mind for as long as possible, and I think it's working. I've been exercising a lot and eating really well, and reading a lot more. I'm glad to have a lot of things to focus on again, I was getting very listless and lethargic. Argh! I was doing a very good job of not being a sad, mopey person, but Pandora just had to put on "Tears in Heaven." Oh no, not going down this road today. Counteracting it with one of the most epic songs ever ("Bohemian Rhapsody" of course). I am going to go fry some eggs and work out. I'm determined to have a wonderful day, every day. :)

You showed me a sunset overflowing

2010-12-10T08:28:00.000-08:00

What an interesting day I had. Woke up pretty early, floated around the house for a bit while listening to Devendra Banhart (my new favorite musician) and dressed like a hippie. Decided to go through a few of the moving boxes that I never opened, just to see what I might find, and I found some awesome stuff. I found a bunch of my old diaries, which were pretty interesting to read. It's so weird to me that I used to be so mean to myself and other people...reading those things made me really appreciate how much I've changed. I also found shells from Sanibel Island, a few yards of pretty cool fabric, some silk scarves, books I'd been looking for, pictures of things I'd forgotten, glass beads, some art supplies that I stole from summer camp when I was 11, and a small garden gnome.

There were a few things I found that were special and feel something like shining moments in an already really great day. The fact that I even found them is beyond me, as they're small and easy to lose. The first thing I found was a small plastic bag with a bunch of post earrings in it. I was going to put them aside and keep looking through this particular box, but I couldn't put it down and felt like I should look at them (because I didn't recognize them as my own earrings). When I looked closer, I realized that I was familiar with these posts, and then it hit me that they were my dad's. My dad's left ear was pierced, and when I was growing up, he was always wearing either a white circle or a black circle in it. He told me that he wore the white one when he was in a good mood, and the black one when he was in a bad mood. He actually lost the white one a few years ago so I don't have it. I do have the black one, which I'm happy with. After a while (when I was around 11) he stopped changing the earring and just left the black one in (which I don't think was indicative of his mood all the time, although he was noticeably more gloomy). So, now I wear the black one in my left ear (just like him), and a flat turquoise diamond in my right (also his).

The other thing I found of his was a scarf that he wore very often during the 90s. I remember seeing him wearing it during the good years, before he got diagnosed with anything and was just a portly Jewish man with a moustache. It's strange to think about, but when I was growing up I never really paid attention to his weight, but there were times when he was easily 220 pounds, and this year he was down to 150 (maybe even less) right before he died. It's interesting that I never recognized a change in his shape until just before the end.

Anyway, I'm not sad today. I don't think I will sad for a bit. Finding these things felt so good. It was better than finding a Rory Gallagher song or a picture of a day that I don't remember. I didn't start crying the way I did for everything else, I smiled and felt happy. I got some form of closure from today and it only means that I'm healing and that I'll be okay. Life is good

2010-12-08T08:05:00.000-08:00

Woke up about an hour and a half ago, went downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. On the table I saw that there was a large piece of mail for me from the hospice services that took care of my dad right before he died. At first I was really angry because it was about the grieving process, and I felt like I was coping fine on my own. Every time I get condolences it just reminds me about everything that happened, and that never makes me feel better. Every time I try to forget about it, I am reminded in some way and it feels like I can't escape and go back to being normal sometimes.

Anyway. I did wind up reading the thing (it was like a newsletter with advice from "bereavement experts" and locations of local grief counseling, which is no help to me because I live in New York). It was an interesting read. I've spent the last four months thinking that I've been doing really well and that I was advanced in my grieving, but it looks like I am actually where bereavement experts expect me to be. That wasn't the part that got me though. There was a whole section called "How to Assist the Bereaved," which is just tips on what to do and what not to do when comforting a "mourner" (they call the people left behind "mourners"). Going through the dos and don'ts, I thought back to the end of August and realized that I didn't really get any of it. I got one phone call. I want to be mad at all my friends for not being there for me and yell at them and tell them how shitty they are, but I know it's not their fault (my dad happened to die during move-in week for all colleges), and besides, that's not who I am anymore.

There was a tiny little bit in the package that pretty much captured everything in my head on this. It was about losing your partner, but I think it does still apply here:

"The hubbub of the funeral or memorial service has receded. The friends and family who visited 'until you feel better' have returned to live their unchanged lives.

Friends call less frequently. The dinner invitations have declined. The numbness has begun to wear off. Each day feels longer and longer. What do you do now?

It's OK to spend some time alone, but don't isolate yourself. Let friends into your life and accept their help--even if you think of yourself as self-sufficient."

I mean, there are some differences. There was no funeral or memorial service. My family are a bunch of idiots preoccupied with themselves, so none of them came to visit or even called me or emailed me until a few weeks after he died. My great aunt Helen just died and there it's a huge deal apparently. Everyone keeps talking about how important it is that she's dead. Okay, cool. She had a huge family, she had a huge funeral, and my family is still talking about all this crap. I lost 1/2 of my family when my dad died and none of them spoke to me about it for about two weeks. None of them even bothered to actually call me, but Aunt Helen is dead, get out the phonebook and call EVERYONE and talk about it NON-STOP. Nice job. Not that I ever felt like these people liked me that much anyway. The way they talk about me amongst themselves...they think I'm some kind of junkie or failure, which I'm not.

I would continue, but I'm a positive person now and I wouldn't want to say anything I would regret later. So I'm putting on Red Hot Chili Peppers and dancing around in my room. Life is way way way too short to sit around in dark in your sweatpants crying. Peace and love!

You saved me, I was almost dead

2010-12-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, another one of those days. I was doing great until about an hour and a half ago. I was just rummaging through my room when I came across a CD with my dad's handwriting on it. It was labeled "New New Driving Music" and I had a sudden rush of excitement because if it was my dad's driving music, there was probably that Rory Gallagher song on there. I didn't know if I wanted to listen to it because I didn't know what kind of effect it would have on me. Would it depress me or deepen my link with my dad? I put the CD in my laptop and it turns out that there was nothing on it. Before, I felt sad and crushed, like a little bit of paper. Now I just feel sort of empty. I thought I had discovered some sort of message from him from the beyond, like he was trying to help me find the song I was looking for or like he was trying to comfort me because he knows I'm very sad lately.

No bad without good, though. It is true that I have moments of deep sadness, but never of despair, and always counteracted by large doses of great happiness and joy. I have the most excellent friends who love me, I'm 100% healthy, and I have my entire life ahead of me, one that I don't doubt will be colorful and adventurous and amazing, like it already has been. I'm very happy with my life and it can only get better with each day.

They carry news that must get through

2010-12-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

...to build a dream for me and you!
What an awesome song. I could listen to it on repeat forever.

Celia is coming over tomorrow! We're going to admire the decor of my room and build a fort and probably watch Star Wars. We will probably get sidetracked and just sit in the fort all day. Right now we're talking to each other about our love for Lord of the Rings (and Celia is a Kiwi, so this is a lot of love we have going on here). I think today is going to be another one of those days when I am overcome with love for life and being alive, and all the things I can do while I'm alive, and all my people. I'm so happy that I know all these amazing beings who bring so much love into my life.

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

:)

2010-11-24T20:06:00.000-08:00

So.

I've spent this entire month aware of Thanksgiving and its approach, but I didn't really care because it's just another day to me and my mom (just with more food). At around 10:30 tonight, I was just doing normal "at home" things when I just had this sudden rush of memories from other Thanksgivings I've had, and I realized that it was something that I always thought was special because my mom and dad would make nice and she would invite him over and we'd play board games and eat pie. Then I realized that this is going to be my first Thanksgiving without my dad being alive.

Now I'm just sitting here and everything is reminding me in some way or another of my dad, but it's such small things. I'm eating applesauce and I'm remembering how he would like to put applesauce on his potato latkes on Chanukah, and how now I'm the only person in my family who does that because the rest of my family is my mom's family and they're all WASPs or really Catholic (apparently there's some Tudor-esque religious turmoil in my heritage which I was not aware of).

Anyway, during all these memory flashbacks, I had one of when we were driving around in Fort Lauderdale at night when I visited him. It was after I got my first tattoo and we had the window down and the night was warm with a cool breeze. We were listening to Rory Gallagher, and that's it. I just don't remember a lot of my time with him, so I started trying to find the song we had been listening to. I don't even remember how the song goes, I just know that it was Rory Gallagher.

So I've spent the evening crying into my applesauce and listening to snippets of countless Rory Gallagher songs, trying to figure out which ones might have been songs my dad mentioned or played for me. Sometimes life is tough.

I'm really lucky though. Because of him I can afford to go to college, I understand a lot of different sports, I have thick curly hair, and I like good music (not to say that my mom didn't help out with the first and the last), but my dad very subtly instilled a great appreciation for the blues in me, which is pretty cool.

...

Okay it's been about an hour since I wrote that. I'm feeling a lot better now. I was feeling pretty depressed earlier not just because of my dad, but also because I feel pretty lonely lately and I feel like my friends are blowing me off. Miles is always busy with his dude friends, which I don't mind because he NEEDS to have dude friends. Alana is in town and she doesn't really respond to messages from me anymore, which is weird. When she does, she's always busy. Not so weird, considering it is Thanksgiving break and her family is pretty tight-knit, and large (by my standards). I'm going to force myself to stop here because I want to keep a positive mindset and being all sad like this isn't going to help.

Soft-spoken with a broken jaw

2010-11-19T19:53:00.000-08:00

Oh my god, I'm such a loser. I met this guy last weekend when I was in Ohio and I'm incredibly attracted to him but I can never think of anything to say to him. This isn't my normal oddness though. He's a fascinating person, and so nice. Some of the things he said inspired me to be a better person, so much so that when I got home I actively searched out volunteering options. I still haven't heard back from them, but it's okay because I have a lot of time, and I can still do good by just being a good person. Damn. I really miss him. I'm glad I got to spend time with him.

2010-11-17T09:33:00.001-08:00

I came back from this trip wanting to be a better person, so I signed up with NYC Service to start doing volunteer work in the city. I have all this free time and I never do anything. There is so much I could be doing to help people who have so much less than me, so I've already applied for a variety of different volunteer positions and I'm excited to see which ones I'll get to do.

I spent a good amount of time debating whether or not to consider positions with seniors and those nearing the end of their lives. I felt like I needed to make up for not being there for my dad for the last two years of his life. However, I don't think a a crying mess is what nursing homes and hospitals look for in their volunteers. So I decided to apply for mentoring, substance abuse and recovery, at-risk children, hunger/soup kitchens, and homeless/housing.

I've also finally found a college that I'm excited about, and I'm thinking about applying Early Decision there. I'm so jazzed about this place that I've already emailed a bunch of teachers from my high school for advice and help getting into this school. I'm just going to go about my daily life believing I've already been offered a place there. :)

Wish you were here

2010-11-17T08:34:00.001-08:00

Today I feel much more optimistic and happy. Yesterday and last night was rough for me. I'm experiencing something I've never had to deal with before and it's both thrilling and depressing. However, it puts me in a strange position and I don't know how to handle it. I'm just glad that I went to Ohio this weekend.

I don't really know what else to say. I know exactly what I want but the path to getting it seems difficult. I know that things will work out for me.

Gonna free fall out into nothing

2010-11-16T14:11:00.000-08:00

I am depressed. Yesterday I returned from a four day trip to Ohio to see one of my best friends, Alana (who I've known since kindergarten). I had such an amazing time, and it's so weird being back in New York. It sort of doesn't feel like home anymore. When I first entered my apartment on Monday, I felt like I didn't recognize it as the place where I live. It looked different, even though nothing had changed.

I really don't like being back here. It's a really weird feeling that I have, and I can't properly articulate exactly what it is. I sort of feel like I'm cramped up next to so many other people, and I'm never truly alone, but then I also feel really lonely because my day to day life is really just me because all my friends are at college or are in school. There's no nature here, everything feels dead and like it isn't real.

I want to be here:

Granted, those are two different places but it is so gloomy to be surrounded by only grey concrete and wires and huge buildings and not ever see the sky or the stars. I am glad that I'm leaving soon, so I can run around and enjoy the earth and feel free.

And then she asks me, "Do I look alright?"

2010-10-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while since I posted, and a LOT has happened, including the death of my father and some other stuff, but I don't want to talk about it.

I DO want to talk about my hair and Halloween and my friends and only good things. I'm blonde now, like PLATINUM BLONDE. It's fun. I'm going to East Hampton for Halloween to see my friend D'ashley, and I'm gonna be a gypsy. Dunno how the hair is gonna work out with that, as I've never seen a blonde gypsy, but oh well. I'm pretty psyched to be SO blonde. I even bleached the shaved part. It looks good.

I'm seriously tired, I'm going to bed. But I will be posting here again more often, this blog feels more private to me than tumblr.

I see behind your eyes

2010-07-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I am a depressed motherfucker.
I got a tumblr, but it's like the most pointless thing in the world. It links up to my facebook too, so it's not even like I can post shit on it like I do here, because then everyone would see it. At least here I know the people reading my stuff are marginally interested in what I'm saying.

I keep having dreams that I'm pregnant. It's the weirdest thing. I have dreams that I'm pregnant, and I'm really happy about it, like I'm walking around in my dreams and I'm excited about being pregnant. The other day I dreamt that I gave birth to twins. That whole dream itself was pretty intense, but what I couldn't get past after I woke up was the fact that I had named them, and when I woke up, I felt like those were the names that my kids were meant to have. It's hard to explain. The only way I feel like I can come close is by talking about this woman I used to know. When she was pregnant, she had a dream about her baby and the name came to her, and she knew it was what her baby was meant to be called.

The scariest part of all of this is that I'm thinking about all of these dreams and I'm figuring out why I'm having them. I know I'm not pregnant, it's impossible in every single way for me to be pregnant. I know that this is probably just the primal part of me, like my lizard brain, telling me that it's ready to reproduce and that it's time to spread around that genetic material, but I can't get past the conscious part of my mind that is telling me that it wants me to do that. It's scary to me that part of me wants that to happen, that I really want to be a mom....even admitting that to myself just now freaked me out, my heart started pounding and I felt like I wasn't breathing.

I have self-control and I'm not going to run out and get myself pregnant just because I'm having all these dreams and thoughts. That would be so irresponsible and beyond comprehension...I would wind up not going to college, I already know that I wouldn't be able to financially support myself sufficiently once I leave home (unless I work my ass off), but the fact that such a large part of me wants it to actually happen really takes me by surprise and terrifies me.

Aaaaand the reason for me being depressed tonight is that all this baby shit makes me think about the fact that in order for me to get pregnant, a guy would need to be involved at some point, and that just reminds me of exactly how involved I've been with anyone, ever. Isn't this really the only reason I get depressed now? It sucks, and I've given up talking to any of my friends about it anymore, because I'm tired of hearing everything from "it really isn't that big of a deal" to "you'll find someone one day" to "guys are stupid and they fuck you over" to "relationships suck and they're not worth it", and I'm tired of them all trying to talk me out of something that I know I want. I already know that there will be awesome moments and there will be shitty moments, but a relationship with anyone is like that, be it your mom, or your sister, or your friend. It's fucked up that I'm so hung up on this though, I guess I just want a connection with somebody that isn't my mom or my best friend.

Fuck this. No one wants to get me pregnant anyway.

Manarola - Late Afternoon Sun

2010-07-15T22:21:00.001-07:00

Manarola - Late Afternoon Sun
Originally uploaded by Atilla2008

I love this picture so much.
It reminds me of last summer in Europe, especially when we went to the Italian coast and the Cote D'Azure....sigh. How far away a year ago seems.

2010-07-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

Earlier this evening, I was watching a little show called America's Got Talent.
This show is total shit.

There are a ton of good acts that are showcased, lots of actual talent, blahblahblah...but it's retarded. Howie Mandel is a crackhead, Piers Morgan is an asshole, and Sharon Osbourne is just sort of loopy.

That's not why I hate it though.
It's called "America's Got Talent." Some of the people they send to the finals have nothing more than novelty acts, and these fucking retards dismiss some legitimately talented people.

Take, for example, the Portland auditions.
They sent an old broad who whistled God Bless America with her hands to Vegas. Big fucking whoop, she can whistle. Everybody can fucking whistle. That same day, this guy comes in and performs an amazing 30 seconds of Tuvan throat singing before he gets buzzed and booed into silence. Everyone was like "What the fuck was that?" and he explains to them that it's a centuries old tradition from the fucking Russian steppes. He doesn't even get halfway through his sentence before that douchebag Piers is like "That just sounds like groaning, I can do that", and then they send him home.

Tuvan throat singing is fucking hard. People that can do it are hitting 2 to 4 different notes when they sing. He's hitting 4 notes simultaneously and she's blowing air through her hands....I'm seriously worried about our future as a culture if everyone can so easily dismiss something amazing like throat singing as total shit. That would be like saying jazz is shit (I hate most jazz, so I do say that), but I mean, how can you be so dismissive of an entire culture? That's so fucked up.

How awesome is that? Mongolian music fucking rocks. Whistling is commonplace and irritating.

Sidenote: how cool is the igil? It has two "strings" but each string is comprised of a hundred strands so that even the lightest touch affects the sound produced. It's like the most complex form of a cello. I like Mongolian music, it's so complex and spiritual and just beyond anything else I've heard.

In other news, I've started to learn how to bellydance. I'm looking for places to take actual classes, and lucky for me, classes are pretty cheap. Once I get good enough, it'll be a good excuse to buy one of those awesome costumes with the coins and stuff. Unfortunately, most of these places are in Midtown or just plain old far from my apartment...I've also recently started getting into better shape. I've changed my diet to include more fruit and protein and less carbonated drinks and sugary foods, and I've started doing yoga and more exercise. Soon I will be back in shape and bellydancing all over the place.

I have to go to bed now though, I've picked up a bad habit of staying up ridiculously late and getting up late in the day. Must fix.

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground

2010-07-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on here in a while, my computer broke :(
Where to start...
I'll just cover everything since May:

1. Got my navel pierced, woo
2. Acquired three more tattoos
3. First "real world" experience, but that is another story for another time...
4. Prom!
5. I graduated high school!!

That's just a short summary, I don't feel like going in depth right now. Perhaps later...

I don't know what's wrong with me lately (I feel like I say this every time I post something...). I feel weird, like I'm missing something or I'm not all there. It's hard to describe, but there are times when I just feel like I'm going to fade away or cry. I don't know why though, looking at my world, I think it's all awesome. It's summer, I'm out of high school, I'm just having fun and seeing my friends, living life and not having a care in the world.

The only thing I can think that it might be is that I feel alone. I don't mean on a familial or friend way, I'm totally satisfied with my family and friends. I'm pretty lonely on a romantic level. I'm 18 and everything, I'm not expecting to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, but I've never had any companionship of that kind. I feel like everyone around me has someone to love them in that way, and it just makes it more obvious to me that I don't. It really sucks how much we need other people. People can say as much as they want about independence and being on your own, and to a certain extent it's all true, but think about it: we really do need other people. People in prison get punished with solitary confinement and they go crazy or they get depressed...they would rather be in the company of murderers and rapists than spend all that time alone. Maybe I'm just tired...nope, I'm sick of being by myself, I have no intimacy with anyone and it fucking sucks.

And I will never be ignored

2010-05-11T23:56:00.000-07:00

Not to say too much about it, but I'm going to apply for something that I'm pretty excited about. Not a scholarship or a job (per se), but it's kind of thrilling in its own way, and I'm happy about it.

I got approved on my literature panel, and I just have to revise my paper and do my panel and I'm totally done. I'm also finishing up my PowerPoint for physics, so I'm sending that in tomorrow, and after that, I just need to do my presentation and I'm done with physics and calculus. After that, I'm pretty much set for graduation, since my principal told me that he was going to waive my neuroscience paper (that's what he said anyway). I don't know if that's true, but that would be awesome. I'd be perfectly happy to write an alternative paper, since I know it wouldn't be fair if I didn't have to do it...but then again, people are graduating this year who have done far less work than me, so let's forget about that.

Aaaanyway, big step forward for me today: I left my house with no make-up on.
Yeah, it doesn't sound like a big deal, but oh, it is. It's like, one of the few things I'm neurotic about. I normally never EVER leave my house unless I have make-up on, so rolling up to the grocery store with absolutely nothing on my face was pretty much a BFD for me. My mom was even surprised. She gave me a pat on the back.

My horrible sunburn has turned into quite a nice tan. I'm very happy. And (and this is the best part) the white parts of my skin that were covered by my bathing suit are now not noticeable at all, so I won't look retarded in my prom dress.

I am now the proud owner of a Polaroid 600 Instant Camera. Yay, except since they don't make the film anymore, it's a pain in the ass to produce pictures...the film is hella expensive.
BUT! I'm really really happy I have it. I used to love those things when I was younger, I love the pictures they produce.

Anyway, I should go. I'm a very busy lady nowadays.

Far down the street we stray

2010-05-09T22:29:00.000-07:00

Today, in idly neglecting my work, I was on Formspring (which is pretty much a stupid website, but I digress), when someone asked, "tell me something legit. anything. something on your mind. a thought about the world."

I was pretty much struck by this question, not just because it wasn't asking my opinion on something, but because it was someone asking me just what was on my mind. That never happens. No one ever asks me what's on my mind, or asks for just "a thought about the world." It also kind of made me feel sad and sort of alone. Like, it just brought to my attention how no one ever really shows that kind of interest in my mind, like they don't even think about it, or it never occurs to them that it's there. No one ever asks for just a thought about the world. Maybe I'm just tired, but it really threw me.

I answered with something about how we don't even have to make physical contact with another human being if we didn't want to anymore, and how no one really appreciates the things they have. And I also mentioned classical music again. I honestly don't understand how people don't feel anything for it anymore. When they hear it, they complain and they say it's bad, but I don't get how they don't feel connected to it. It's got to be the closest thing we have to any actual form of divinity on the planet, the way music makes you feel. I don't see anybody feeling that way about Ke$ha's shitty songs. Does "Blah Blah Blah" really resonate that deeply with you?

After a few minutes, they posted back again telling me that they agree, and that they love Tchaikovsky, Bergmuler, and Debussy. They ended with "people don't notice what's beautiful anymore."
They really don't.

Now I'm desperately curious as to who this person might be. I've never actually known anyone else in my age group who loves classical music the way I do, let alone anyone who could tell me their favorite composers. I want to talk to this person, they're like some rare bird that I got to glimpse by some very slim chance in the wild. I'm tired of being the only person I know who listens to this type of stuff, it's depressing, almost like I'm the only one of my kind. A dying breed.

Pass me a coat, I'm not afraid to leave

2010-05-06T21:49:00.000-07:00

I love Massive Attack.

Been a while since I said anything.
To summarize:

1. My dad is better, but his landlord called and declared his apartment a biohazard. But he is better.
2. Been very busy at work, with two movies, a mini-series, and like four TV shows all coming in at once for stuff.
3. Bought my prom dress.
4. Have a prom date.
5. Also have a pretty intense sunburn.
6. Severed ties with a toxic person.

All in all, life is good. I have nothing to complain about (other than how my sunburn itches).

As my high school career quickly draws to an end, I'm just getting more and more bored with my life, but also kind of nervous. High school is really the only schooling you're required to have. After high school, you really don't have to do anything. Like, after high school you can do anything you want, and it's the fact that I'm not obligated to do anything that I think is freaking me out so much.

The only thing that irks me is that I don't see my friends nearly as much as I would like to. This whole internship thing is great in terms of workplace experience, but it's totally shit in terms of allowing us to maintain good relationships with our friends. I see my friends once a week now, less sometimes because I'm not always able to hang out with them. Ughhh I miss my damn friends!

I just keep thinking about how fast this year is going by already, and how fast that means the next few months are going to be. I hope it will be fast. 8 months...

I really hate popular music today. None of it means anything, it's about the most insipid things ever. The lyrics are crude and none of it is actually real. I wish classical music was more popular than it is. It's amazingly beautiful what you can make out of thin air with the right instruments. And to think, how did mankind even create music in the first place? The construction of instruments and the refining of their sounds is something that is just so beyond my comprehension. I'm going to list some of my favorite classical pieces here, just because I don't think they're appreciated enough. It's like there's something deeper there, like it's in tune with the inside of you and nature and everything around you. When you hear something and you feel it resonate inside of you and you don't know why you feel so connected to it, but you just do. Call me crazy, but I think that's just what happens when you find out what your soul sounds like. No popular music does that for me. Classical music, even at its simplest, is enormously complex and far more beautiful than any contemporary music.

This is not a well-known piece, but it is from the soundtrack of one of my favorite movies (and books) of all time, Perfume: The Story of a Murderer. It's such an amazing story, and the score is perfect for it. It's easily one of the most underrated musical scores in cinema.

Claire de Lune, Claude Debussy

Vocalise, Rachmaninoff

Adagio for Strings, Samuel Barber

Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis, Ralph Vaughan Williams

Trois Gymnopédies, Gymnopédie No.1, Erik Satie

Symphony No. 6, Pathetique, Adagio Lamentoso, Piotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Tchaikovsky's Pathetique has always been one of my favorite pieces ever. I saw it being performed at the New York Philharmonic a few years ago with Loren Maazel...beautiful. The story behind it is amazing too. He had a really weird life, and the music itself is supposed to be about a journey through life, or something along those lines. If that is the case (and I think it is), it's definitely made clear in the different movements of the entire thing. My favorite has always been Adagio Lamentoso for some reason though (it's the ending, the part that's supposed to symbolize the end of life, I suppose).

There are so many more, but I think this is good enough for now. I just think it's sad how much more music that is about the most meaningless things, comprised of broken English and performed by totally talentless fools is valued so much more than the music of Debussy or Tchaikovsky. These pieces came directly from their minds, these great sweeping pieces of music. It's impressive that all these beautiful sounds were in their heads. How do you even begin to formulate some of these sounds in your head? There are so many questions that come up and so many emotions, and that never happens with all the shitty music around today. It's really sad, people think classical music is crap, but what do they go and listen to after they say that?

We are witness to the very brink of time and space

2010-04-25T21:34:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, my friend Megan and I began work on the Class of 2010's yearbook.
I'm editor in chief. Huh, cool.
Right now, we're trying to focus on what we're going to put on everyone's pages, and we've asked everyone to start thinking about their senior quotes. So far, everyone I've spoken has no idea what they want. I've got a few ideas, but I'm torn between having a really good quote or a joke quote from a song I really like. I already know the one good one (the one that I will probably wind up using), but the temptation for a joke one that I'll always remember is very strong. I'm just imagining showing my yearbook to my kid(s?) one day. No doubt it will be very interesting.

So, I've started going through my Elvis phase.
Everyone I know (by everyone, I mean teenage boys, maybe with some girls mixed in) has gone through an Elvis phase, a Beatles phase, a Led Zeppelin phase, and a Grease phase (Grease is mainly for the girls).
Done the Beatles and Led Zep phase, never really felt Grease that much (mainly because I thought Sandy was a dumb bitch), but the Elvis bit is kicking in hard. The man was fine.

Aaanyway, I'm up late again on a work night. Bad.

On Friday I spoke to the principal at my school and told him all about the business with my dad and how things are going, and the progress with my neuroscience. He's a really great person and he understood everything, and said for me to speak to my physics and calculus teacher (who is kind of like, pushing me to finish my shit), and tell him that he said to "make it right." I asked him what that meant, and he said that they're going to make me write an alternative paper on a different topic, which is fine with me. I would be totally great on writing something like that, brain-related or whatever.

I got my literary criticism back from my teacher with a grade: meets standards. You know, I know my paper was better than that, but considering I was extremely late with it, I'll take it. It's a passing grade. All I need to do now is revise it and do my panel and I'm set. Make up panels are in June, which gives me plenty of time to prepare, so I'm getting on that. I'm more worried about my literature panel than I am for my physics panel because at least with physics it's straight up facts and shit. Literature is going to be harder because it's purely opinion-based and it took me for-fucking-ever to come up with that shit and the arguments are very complex, especially when I'm required to talk about fucking literary devices. I mean, it's a literary criticism, not a literary comparison. Let me critique it!

It's been a very long time since I've complained about school work. That was refreshing.

Also started watching Carl Sagan's Cosmos. It's so good. I really really really love it.

Thought: I've recently become really interested in dimethyltryptamine; how it works, how it affects the brain, its role in the human brain, and just how fascinating it is in general. It's been called "the spirit molecule" by some, and it's found in almost everything in nature. It's produced by the pineal gland in the brain, and it's often referred to as your third eye. In reptiles, the pineal gland actually has a cornea and a lens. It's the chemical that makes you dream. It's also the world's most potent psychedelic drug. Plants known to produce it have been used in religious ceremonies in the Amazon for thousands of years. I'm so fascinated by it, it's totally amazing. I wouldn't mind doing a paper on that at all, since I'm gearing up to buy a ton of books on the topic anyway (Dr. Rick Strassman has done a lot of really interesting work on DMT, I'm buying a bunch of his books).

I'm going to go to bed, long day tomorrow (work and the motherfucking dentist).
My dentist is such a drama queen. My first appointment with him, he told me that I would need oral surgery because my jaws didn't align properly. He was all for breaking my jaw and setting it in place and wiring it shut and all that shit. I went to the orthodontist and they were like, "Oh you only need braces for a year."
Last time I saw this guy, he was like "Your wisdom teeth are really scary. They're abnormally large and I think we're going to need to remove them." My wisdom teeth came in like two weeks after that, and I have more than enough room, they don't hurt at all, and they came in straight. I wonder what this asshole is going to tell me this time. Probably that my teeth are too thin or some stupid shit. I'm going to ask him about veneers because all these whitening toothpaste rip-offs aren't working (and I need new caps anyway).

Soul to soul, our shadows roll

2010-04-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

I love Bob Dylan.
He actually writes songs with amazing lyrics. Most of the stuff that I hear now is so stupid, but he uses words like "transient" and "bewildering." It's good to know that there are still smart songwriters.

I love this song.

It's so beautiful, it's literally one of the very few songs that actually makes me cry a little, all on its own.

I've been listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers a lot too. They just make sense to me, you know? Like it's just something that's so hard to explain. Why does anyone like the music that they do? A lot of their sounds and lyrics just resonate with me, same goes for a lot of Tom Petty songs.

I love this song as well:

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Rock The Deuce - MTV Shows

Anthony Kiedis. I swear...hot damn. Flea too. I would love love love love love love to see them live one day. The Red Hot Chili Peppers, not just Anthony Kiedis and Flea (although that would fucking rock).

I'm super tired, I need to start keeping better hours, but at least I don't have to be in school until 6th period tomorrow (so I can sleep in, yes!).

Step from the road to the sea to the sky

2010-04-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

Today I decided to enlist in the Coast Guard.
I'll have full healthcare coverage, life insurance, I'll learn a trade skill, I'll be in peak physical condition, my college tuition will be paid in full, and I'll be fully covered by the new post 9/11 GI Bill. Plus, I would learn how to pilot a helicopter and I would have a gun.
In other words, I would be a fully insured, gainfully employed, physically fit, mechanically skilled, airborn law enforcement/environment protecting badass. I like it. I would be an enlisted Coast Guard as opposed to an actual officer. I would have less time for active duty (but probably more time on reserve). I wouldn't mind though, because I could be posted in Utah, the North Carolina coast, off the coast of Florida, the Great Lakes, around Maine/Vermont, Oregon, Hawaii, or Alaska. And of course, here in the city. Boot camp is 17 weeks, and I would have physical training every day. Once I choose my focus, I basically get trained in that area and then actually do it for three years. At first I was really concerned about whether or not I would be called on to serve in a war (like the current one), BUT this is how I see it: the main focus lately is to get out of this stupid war as soon as possible, so I wouldn't be called on to serve. Also, the main concern with the Coast Guard is to monitor shit at home, protecting waterways and such.
I wouldn't mind doing Search and Rescue and drug busts and saving the environment for two or three years in order to never have to worry about healthcare or life insurance or college tuition. I'm going to enlist after I graduate (because you have to have a high school diploma or GED in order to qualify). And this way, I can do my roadtrip with a better car and more money. Disappointed that I'll have to put it off for two or three more years, but I know that it's going to happen anyway, so I'm still happy about it.
I'm actually pretty excited.

In other (less awesome) news, my dad's case worker called me today to put me in touch with his nursing home. They say he's not going too hot and they wanted to have my number so they could immediately contact me if anything happens. I'm going to have to go down there soon to see him, because the way everyone sounds, it doesn't sound like this will be happening for much longer. Life is hard.

This life is more than just a read-through

2010-04-18T23:03:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I posted, but I have been extremely busy in the last week and a half or so.

This week was tech week, and Friday was opening night at SYE. The show was fabulous, and was well-received. Saturday we had two performances, and as usual, the matinee had a crap audience, but the last show was great. I was pretty sad though, since it was my last show ever at NYU. The last five years have been amazing, I can't believe it's over now. What a big chapter of my life. I'm still kind of in denial, like everything will be normal and in October I'll go back for another show. It's still sinking in.

In the gap between my last post and this one, I've been made healthcare proxy for my dad. He spent a good three weeks in the hospital, and was released to a nursing home in Palm Springs on Thursday. It got really scary for a moment, when his nurses asked me to consent to giving him a feeding tube directly to his stomach, but right as they were getting a witness signature, he miraculously started eating again and two days later he was released. This is all well and good, but I don't think he's going to ever fully recover. I was expecting all of this to happen, but not this soon. I always thought that this would happen when I was in my late twenties, or at least when I was better prepared for it, with more life experience and whatnot. On a (very dark) humorous note, this is just another good example of my father's brilliant timing. It's like he can sense when I'm about to do something time consuming and he'll call right as I'm about to begin, whether it's showering, dinner, or homework, always exactly at the very beginning. It's like his big psychic joke, except this time, it's the worst timing ever: school work, internship work, and theater work. Christ. I've also been put in charge of making a new ad for the Etsy site at work, and perhaps updating the business cards, and since I've barely had time to work on it since Friday, I'm up now, doing that and, of course, updating two people on my desperately normal life.

Today I started looking at real estate out west. I'm seriously considering moving to any of the following states: Arizona, New Mexico, Wyoming, California, Washington, Oregon, Nevada, Colorado. I like the idea of living somewhere totally different from New York, where I can either meet new people every day, or just know absolutely everybody in a small town. I also like the idea of seeing nature every day, and owning some land, not just the house or apartment that I live in. I know I will have to work my ass off in order to get enough money to even move, let alone own my own apartment (so forget about a house, and definitely forget about a house with land). Sitting on my ass on the couch today, I figured out that I feel a little bit like those old Western pioneers, the ones that just packed up their lives and moved west. This could also be total shit, because the other day I was wearing a Lynyrd Skynyrd shirt, listening to Ted Nugent when I realized that I am essentially a teenaged boy from the '70s trapped in a Gulf War baby's body. So whatever. Either a Western pioneer or those stoners from Detroit Rock City.

That's me in the middle.

We are a way for the cosmos to know itself

2010-04-11T21:44:00.001-07:00

So, I've known about these for a while, but they're so amazing that I need to share them.
They're songs, but they're parts of lectures or speeches or documentaries by prominent scientists, astrophysicists, and philosophers. They're by Symphony of Science and I highly recommend visiting this website.

www.symphonyofscience.com

My two personal favorites are "A Glorious Dawn" and "Our Place in the Cosmos."
They're all so perfectly put together, and they really make you think. Not only that, but it's really interesting how lyrical all of these topics are in the first place. These all really make me think, every time I listen to them. Like, about how in the history of the entire universe, human existance is equivalent to the breadth of a human hair, and how in our time here, we've developed languages, civilizations, and space exploration. How in the great vastness of the universe, Earth and everything on it is one big coincidence. How humans are made of stars, and how we are only here for the smallest fraction of time. It really puts things in perspective, but it's so amazing and makes you realize the ridiculous complexities of everything that you don't mind realizing that, cosmically speaking, you don't even register in the universe, that no matter what you do in life, in the entire entirety of being, you will never leave a mark on a universal scale.

It's crazy how many deep thoughts I have when I really stop and listen to these things. I highly recommend all of these, I can't express how amazing they are.

To know me as hardly golden is to know me all wrong

2010-04-06T22:27:00.000-07:00

I feel incredibly stifled

Because I'm not allowed to do what I want

It really sucks

All I want to do

Is drive away

And I feel so free

2010-04-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

Today was a very good day.
It helped me realize that I don't give a fuuuuuuuuuck.

2010-03-31T22:21:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel the need for seclusion again. This happensa few times a year. I just look at my life and the people in it and I try to understand things.

Lately, I've been getting bored with my friends. I don't want to use the word "bored" but I can't think of any other word to describe what I feel. Maybe tired or restless...I don't know. What I do know is that it feels like no one is speaking to me because they like me...they just want something from me or they want to tell me about things that they've done that I'm not impressed by. It seems like no matter what people say to me, it's about something reckless they've done and they're all proud of it, like it's some great achievement. They don't listen when I tell them not to do it, and I understand that everyone learns these lessons differently, but come on, I do know what I'm talking about in certain areas. Don't speak to me unless you're genuinely interested in hearing what I have to say, because I'm tired of everyone using me to get what they want or to brag about another example of why they're great. I'm bored with it.

My life has not surprises. Maybe that's why I'm moody. Every day is exactly the same as the one before it. There is no excitement, I'm just passing time until my life gets unpredictable and exhilirating.

Sleep, shower, eat, work, eat, sleep.
Every day for the next ten months. I may die.

We see what we want to see

2010-03-29T22:05:00.000-07:00

My dad is really sick.
He's been in the hospital for ten days. His case worker called my mom today and asked for all of the next of kin information.
I'm just as bad as he was to his mother. Sometimes life is too hard.

Take me as I come, 'cause I can't stay long

2010-03-27T16:34:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of you getting angry at me when things don't work out the way you want them to. If you want to have dinner with me, don't hope that I'm still in the city so we could maybe eat together. Fucking call me and say that is what you want. You can't just hope it will all work out in the way you want it to. Make it fucking happen. Until that time, I am "not interested" in being anywhere near you.

In other news, had rehearsal today. Went well, I'm completely off-book. Then I went and I got another tattoo, the one I wanted for my birthday. Because I decided it would be better to come home earlier to eat dinner with my mom, I cut it short, so there's no color. I'm going to go back next week and have it filled in.

So yeah. Now I'm watching Independence Day and eating old Oreos for dinner.
This feels oddly familiar.

Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets

2010-03-24T22:57:00.000-07:00

I really love this song.

So I've been sick this week. I missed two days at work, which sucks. I have to be completely off-book tomorrow or else my scenes get cut. Tension. Tomorrow I need to finish all my work (which is now just literature and neuroscience, since I finished physics!). If I don't finish it by Friday, then I'm getting held back. It's a lot, but I can do it. I just have to start working immediately when I get home (around 7pm). On Friday, I am babysitting for the first time in years. Hopefully that goes over well. Basically, after Friday, life will be as it should be. No more school work, just interning and rehearsing. I hate when I get myself into these uncomfortable situations...

Luckily though, next week I will be able to get my back tattoo! I will have enough time and money, and I will finally finally finally get it done. I was supposed to get it for my birthday, but that didn't really work out... but at least I'm getting it.

9 1/2 months until I leave.

I swim, but I wish I've never learned

2010-03-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

I seriously really love Sublime. I wish I had been a teenager in the 90s...

I have officially begun to think about gainful employment. And insurance. And money. And all sorts of other scary adult things. It sucks.

I shaved part of my hair off on Thursday.

I think it looks pretty good. I've also stopped biting my nails, which is great, but it's still a struggle. I finished my physics, and my neuro and lit are both due by Friday! Easy shit. I got a new phone on Saturday, which is great. Went out with my mom to celebrate her birthday. We went to the planetarium and saw the scary Journey to the Stars IMAX movie in the huge sphere theatre. I bugged out because there's a lot of zooming in and out through space...freaky.

As a side note: how hot was Keith Richards back in the day? (Insert Rolling Stones-themed sexual innuendo here).

Such a waste of a young heart

2010-03-17T21:45:00.000-07:00

I was on Facebook today (because I have no life and nothing better to do), and I saw that someone had made their status "Only one thing has my heart, and that would be this wonderful city I call New York, I promise I will never leave you NYC."

Every day now, every day, I just think about how much I need to leave. I don't know what it is, but I just feel compelled to leave for an indefinite amount of time and just come back when I've lived. I know I can't do that, but I just feel so drawn to the idea of living somewhere and leaving when you just feel like there's nothing else for you there. I know I can pull it off for a few months, but it's the waiting that's killing me.

That and the fact that nothing will have changed by the time I come back. Every day I spend still here is like a reminder that currently, I have no prospects in terms of going anywhere or doing anything productive with my life. I just feel so stuck. I keep telling myself that if I keep going, keep pushing through, that the year will be over before I know it and I can leave, but it's getting to the point where it's almost the only thing I think about. Every day, I spend the hour and a half train ride home from work just imaginging the life away from here that I could have, and it just seems so impossible, and like I'm the only one who sees the reason in why I should do this. I should probably cut this short...I'm getting dangerously close to the whole "no one understands me, I feel so alone" sort of teenage loneliness hormonal fluctuation writing, and I'm not like that. So yeah. 10 months to go.

Only you can set you free

2010-03-14T22:00:00.000-07:00

So. I changed this post because it wasn't accurately representing my relationship with my mom. Those were things she said to me in a fight, and I need to remember that, just like me, she says things during fights that she doesn't mean. I understand she's coming to terms with the decisions I've made regarding how I want to live my life. It's hard for both of us, but it makes me realize exactly how much she has done for me, and how it's not fair for me to hold things like that against her. Like she keeps telling me, the mom in my head is not the same as my real mom. As much as I say lots of crap on here about our relationship, I really do appreciate her for the life she's given me, and for getting me to adulthood successfully. Also, it's her birthday soon, I didn't think it was right for her to see me posting some irrational anger post at 1 AM so close to her birthday. That would suck.

2010-03-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream that I just woke up one day, had my things packed, and left. In my dream, I didn't stop driving, and I made it all the way to Arizona, but then I suddenly had to abandon everything and fly back to New York for something. I wound up having to go to college as soon as I got to the airport in New York, and I couldn't stop repeating, "I made it to Arizona," and I wasn't allowed to go back, I had to finish college.

Now I'm just depressed, because I was so happy in my dream, just going somewhere that wasn't here. I was driving an old Jeep Cherokee. I'm so sad, it really seemed real.

Oh how time flies with crystal clear eyes

2010-03-08T16:34:00.000-08:00

I worked very hard today.
I took no breaks, I came home motivated to finish all of my school work, with a schedule for this week worked out and everything.

I tell the one person who has been on my ass relentlessly about how hard I work for the last two years all about my day and my plans. Their reply?

"Nice," a toneless response given without tearing their eyes away from Law & Order.

Cool.
I can handle the never-ending nagging and shitty attitude, but it makes me terribly irritated when I show some sign of determination and motivation and I get absolutely no support or reassurance or whatever. So complain all you want about how I made you a statstic, but don't be surprised when I start talking about how you made me one.

On a completely different topic:

I see a lot of people around me having trouble with just living life on a day to day basis. Not like, they're depressed because they're horribly impoverished or anything, they're just down in the dumps. I get like that a lot. This one girl I know (and I don't even "know" her, I'm just acquainted with her), she said she feels lost and like she's about to hit rock bottom. I get like that too.

I really, really wanted to say something to her, like everyone has days when they just feel like shit and their emotions get the best of them. Or something. I probably would have overshared, like said something about my previous problems with certain things. I'm mentally and physically tired just like her, sometimes the simplest thing like graduating high school on time seems so hard. I have until next Monday to finish everything. I know I can do it, but there are just days when that little voice in the back of my head just says, "Drop out and leave." As much as I would love to do that, that would probably just send me down a road I don't feel like going down. Not only that, but the people that give me shit for not going to college this year, especially the person in the beginning of this post, would always hold it against me and just see me as some dumb bitch who couldn't even graduate high school.

Well fuck that.
Watch me finish all my work and graduate.
And then I'm taking my money, getting my tattoos, my car, and packing my shit and leaving as soon as possible. I don't need to be in a place where I'm constantly hearing about what I should be doing with my life, and how what I'm doing with it is stupid. Spend some time worrying about your own life, because while you're so concerned with how I live mine, I'm willing to bet you're not happy. At least I'll be happy.

Can you tell if there is something better...

2010-03-08T16:26:00.000-08:00

...'cause you know there always is.

Be careful thinking who will save you in the end

2010-03-07T12:07:00.000-08:00

Bought a roadmap today.

Can't wait.

You've used up all your coupons and all you've got left is me

2010-02-27T22:18:00.000-08:00

You paint your smile, and fill the holes.

2010-02-21T21:55:00.000-08:00

The coolest:

Look at her with a smile like a flame

2010-02-19T02:01:00.001-08:00

Not to die, but be reborn, away from lands so battered and torn

2010-02-17T20:59:00.000-08:00

Currently on the phone with someone I didn't expect to be talking to ever again.
Since I've learned my lesson with naming names on this thing, I won't say who it is, but they are drunk out of their mind right now.

I don't know, it sometimes feels like a hopeless case, but there are certain things that suck you back in.

However....

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, 'Wow, what a ride!'"
--Hunter S. Thompson

Living life to the fullest it is.

Hey baby, can I step into your world for a while?

2010-02-15T22:28:00.000-08:00

Life seems pretty scary sometimes.

But I want it so bad.
Sure, my chosen path is unorthodox. Doesn't that make everything more exciting?
I would much rather do something totally different from everyone else and not know what will happen than do what I'm supposed to do.

I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes

2010-02-11T22:03:00.001-08:00

I'm starting to get really depressed. I have so much that I want to do, but it seems like so much is getting in the way. I keep fucking myself over, and I'm so done with being here. Everything I want to do is being thwarted by other factors.
Being a legal adult doesn't count for shit when you still live at home.

She said, "I dig you baby, but I got to keep moving on"

2010-02-07T20:10:00.000-08:00

My 18th birthday is in under an hour.

All the time I can hear you talking in my head...shut up shut up shut up

2010-02-03T21:27:00.000-08:00

Let them all go

2010-02-02T21:40:00.000-08:00

Where I live now:

Where I want to live:

What I want to do (besides everything I've ever mentioned EVER...and Steve-O, ha):

What I want to see:

Where I want to be buried:

We look like a wave

2010-01-30T22:11:00.000-08:00

I really need to get moving.
I read 4 travel books today.

It's really hard for me to not talk about anything on here.
This really was the best record of the past year and a half.

I don't want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover

2010-01-27T21:29:00.000-08:00

I'm lookin' for the stuff that's not R-rated

2010-01-26T14:59:00.000-08:00

New Start

2010-01-17T13:21:00.000-08:00

Since this stupid thing has officially caused too much trouble, I'm turning it into a place where I can post pictures or drawings or cool stuff I find.

I've deleted everything else I ever posted.